Of chats and chatters
by Kowy
Summary: Steve gets a Facebook account and invites the Avengers. Collection of unpredictable, sexist and evil drabbles, concentrating mostly on Tony and Loki. Plot included. FrostIron inside.
1. Introduction

**Disclaimer:** The usual- I love them, I don't own them, I use them because I've been burdened with wicked purpose to do so. Don't sue, please. I don't own Facebook either. I wouldn't want to, anyway, I dislike the thing.

**A/N**: It is my take on how Avengers would communicate through Facebook. Will be more Tony/Loki centric in the future. Bad language, slash in future chapters.

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**Steve**: Avengers, assemble !

**Bruce**: Steve, would you kindly explain why did you invite us on facebook? It's not like we don't have more modern ways to communicate.

**Steve**: Hello, friends! I invited you to show you this newest wonder of the internet. You wouldn't believe how many people use it! You can share your photos here, videos, chat and even try to play games. And to assure you, I checked the privacy policy, and made an exclusive Avengers group :) See, I even started to 'smiley', that is so modern! :)

**Clint**: Steve, as much as we appreciate your commitment here, this is just beyond… stupid.

**Natasha** likes it.

**Clint**: Tasha, you're here! Haven't heard from you in a long time. You're back in NY?

**Natasha:** I just got back. In time, I see.

**Thor**: Welcome my fine friends! My beloved woman showed me this forum. I have been honored with Stevens cordial invitation.

**Steve** likes it.

**Steve:** This is so nice, isn't it? We can all communicate through this facebook thing any time we want. Would you believe it, you even have it in your phones? And it is for free!

**Tony**: And is totally dumb as well, would you believe that too?

**Bruce:** That was uncalled for, Tony. Steven just tries to be nice.

**Tony**: No, he doesn't TRY to be nice Bruce. Fucking Care Bares and Ponys compared to him look like uncompassionate bastards. He beats the crap out of Red Cross!

**Steve**: Hey, I get that reference! And I would never.

**Clint**: Why didn't you tell us you were back? We missed you.

**Steve**: Yeah, we missed you :)

**Natasha:** Steve, you seriously gotta stop with those smileys. Stark, why do you dislike this thing so much? Clint- thank you, I missed you too.

**Steve:** That is a wonderful question Tony? Why on Earth would you dislike it?

**Tony:** It's unsafe, so infantile that a five year old could hack on it, people use it only to seem cool and beautiful, which they aren't, and clearly it insults my intelligence just to look at it.

**Thor**: My dear friends, I invited my brother too, so he could join us and share our happiness and friendship!

**Bruce:** Steve, you said something about 'exclusiveness'?

**Tony**: I suggest you stuck your hammer right up your pretty …

**Loki:** I assure you, Stark, it is has nothing to do with pretty, when it comes to my 'brothers' … back.

**Natasha:** You're so going to regret it Steve.


	2. Tony pokes Bruce

**Tony** pokes **Bruce**.

**Bruce**: That is so mature of you Tony.

**Tony** pokes **Bruce**.

**Tony**: You know me and still you expect of me to be mature? How immature is that?

**Tony** pokes **Bruce**.

**Bruce**: Fair enough.

**Tony** pokes **Bruce**.

**Bruce**: Are you done yet?

**Tony:** Smash your laptop! Smash it!


	3. Clint dates Natasha

**Clint:** What would you say to a dinner Tasha? Since you're back for some time :)

**Natasha:** That would be nice.

**Tony:** I know this fancy club that you would totally love! Great loud music, dancers, lasers, dancers, tones of alcohol. I might even own the thing. Pepper, do I own the thing?

**Clint**: Fuck off Stark.

**Pepper Potts**: No, Tony, you do not own the Underground Club and I forbid you to buy one, do you understand?

**Tony:** But mommy, everybody has one. I want mine too.

**Clint:** I'll meet you in the usual spot Tasha, same time as always. Can't wait.

**Tony:** "Usual spot, same time"? Come on Legolas, do you have a Zodiac complex or something? We're in to codes now?

**Natasha:** December 2011, Stark Industries Hallway, Christmas after-party. And I still have that recorded.

**Tony:** Have a nice time. Pepper, it is so your fault I hired her then. I deserve that club. As a compensation of moral injury.

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What do you think, do you like it, should I continue? Maybe there is something you think they should talk about? I'm open to your suggestions. Tony and Loki in future chapters. Please review, it makes me happy :)


	4. Clothing

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Macbeth, obviously. I only love it.

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**Thor**: Brother, you must stop this vicious circle. You tore apart what was given to you, even though it was a gift of love and compassion. You must adapt younger brother, I beg you to reconsider.

**Tony**: My, my, wasn't that Shakespearean. However, "You Thor apart what was given to you" would sound much more dramatic. What was it this time, reindeer games? Come, thick night, and pall thee in the dunnest smoke of hell, that I see not the wound that Loki made again.

**Loki:** You will not tell me what to do, Thor. I would rather choke on my own vomit, caused by your dreadful choice of attire, than wear what you brought me.

**Tony:** Can the devil speak true?

**Thor:** Do not mock me, Anthony. I am trying to bring my younger brother to some sense, and you are not helping.

**Loki:** I wouldn't blame the mortal, Thor, it is hard not to mock you.

**Tony:** So what is this all about? Clothes?

**Thor:** Loki keeps wearing leather and metal, whereas I gave him a gift of jeans and cotton. He does not need to wear armor here. He should imitate your midgardian ways.

**Loki:** I may as well remain without clothes, start drinking water from the puddles and feed on carrion, to imitate pitiful midgardians.

**Tony**: First, you may, second, I would never debase myself by drinking water, and the last one was uncalled for. And dear Thor, I strongly believe your brother is the kind of a guy who likes leather and metal. If you know what I mean.

**Thor**: I do not understand, Anthony.

**Loki:** And that is so unheard of.

**Tony:** You know what? Fight not! I will graciously take your brother shopping Thor. You may thank me later.

**Thor:** That is wonderful! I am grateful, Man of Iron! Are you not, brother?

**Loki:** Ecstatic. You may as well put me back in cube, if you wish to torture me continuously.

**Tony**: So, this is settled.

**Thor** likes it.

* * *

**Pepper Potts:** Tony, you know that Thor will kill you when he finds out what you meant by leather and metal?

**Tony:** Present fears are less than horrible imaginings, Pepper. Worry not.

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Hey, did you like it? Should I go on with it? Great thanks to XxJellyxX for the first review, I appreciate it a lot :) The faster you review, the faster I write ;) Enjoy!


	5. Shopping

**Fury:** The fuck, Stark?

**Tony:** Oh, I see you have been invited to facebook, too. I have to remind Steve to stop lowering his standards. He is like a child sometimes.

**Fury:** Are you aware of the fact, that I am being bombarded with questions as to why the hell are you shopping with S.H.I.E.L.D.s most wanted villain, who recently tried to destroy Manhattan and enslave the humanity?

**Loki:** I've nearly succeded, if not for your green monster on the loose, to be precise.

**Tony:** Loki, would you please shut up for a second, and try to concentrate on what the nice lady has to say? You have to choose one, and it's taking you ages. Gods- you can't live with or without them.

**Fury:** I just got a picture from a CNN press reporter. Are you buying him a fucking BlackBerry?

**Tony:** Oh, I see why you're offended. We can call it African-AmericanBerry, if you wish.

**Fury:** Now, listen to me carefully, Stark. You're going to get your smart ass and shopping princess right to the Stark Tower, where we can put Loki under custody, and where I will be able to personally shove my fist so high your ass, you wouldn't believe it's even possible.

**Clint** likes it.

**Tony:** And where's the fun in that?

**Loki:** I would find it quite amusing to watch, truly.

**Tony:** You're 'The God of Lies' Loki, you're not supposed to use such terms as 'truly'. It suits you ill, princess.

**Fury:** This is the last warning, Stark. Stop it now, or I'm sending the team for you.

**Tony:** Chill out, man, I'm bringing him back, along with my smart, and, by the way, outstanding ass, to my Tower. Our last stop is Gucci, and we're done. I have to suit him up, I promised Thor, and you know how irritating he gets over this honor thing, or whatever it was.

**Fury:** "Chill out, man"? What the fuck, Stark, I'm not your "man"?

**Tony:** Have you seen Tropic Thunder, yet?

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I highly recommend you to watch 'Tribute to Robert Downey Jr' prepared by Mel Gibson, Jamie Foxx and Garry Shandling. It's hilarious, and I have to admit, they were the ones that came with the idea of BlackBerry. I felt like I was obliged to explain that one, I hope nobody gets offended. Once again, if you like my story, please review!


	6. Cover of a magazine

**A/N:** I would like to thank you all for the wonderful support and kind words, and reviews! It means a lot! I would like to dedicate this chapter to Alexisagirl and Shayeczko, as an expression of my gratitude :)

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**Steve:** Tony! You and Loki made it to a cover of a journal!

**Loki:** What is a 'journal'?

**Natasha:** Actually, it's called a magazine these days, Steve.

**Tony:** What magazine? I'm not interested in anything below 'New York Times'.

**Steve:** It says 'People' magazine.

**Tony:** Will do.

**Steve:** You're both wearing suits, Loki is facing his reflection in the mirror and you're like…hmm…admiring him? It has a nice heading, that reads: 'Is it a crime to look good?'.

**Tony:** Guilty as charged.

**Natasha:** You really bought him an Armani suit?

**Clint:** A cheap looking suit, might I add.

**Loki:** It may not match the fines of asgardian materials and cut, but I do value the endeavor.

**Tony:** Armani is good for the royalty, at least Prince Harry insists on that, and the only thing cheap here, is your joke, birdy. By the way - you will thank me for that later, Loki. Nicely. Just get accustomed to that thought.

**Steve:** 'Tony Stark and Americas top wanted criminal, Loki, seen and photographed together, shopping'.

**Clint:** I would never have guessed that you do such down-to-earth thing as shopping, Stark. All by yourself! Did you know where the shops were, or did you just googled them?

**Thor:** What is this thing called 'shopping'? I wish not for my brother to be involved in any indecent matters.

**Clint:** Worse that killing hundreds and enslaving worlds?

**Natasha:** Or destroying them.

**Thor:** He had a bad… time, then.

**Natasha:** Oh yeah, because going on a mad killing spree is so yesterday. Now, he only goes crazy shopping with his new, best, shopping buddy.

**Clint:** And this 'shopping' is a thing that normal mortals do to buy goods, they don't need, in exchange of money, they don't have. And due to the fact, that it's a thing for normal mortals, I would never expect Tony to do it.

**Tony:** You might be a little overreacting.

**Steve:** 'It is the first time, that Tony Stark was actually seen in a shop, choosing clothes in person. It is believed, that the known genius billionaire purchases clothing only via Internet, or, what is more probable, via Pepper Potts- his former assistant and current CEO.'

**Tony:** Or maybe not.

**Steve:** 'All the finest boutiques were closed for ordinary customers that day'.

**Tony:** Yeah. Paris was making such a fuss about it.

**Natasha:** Did they actually use a word 'ordinary'? I somehow feel … offended?

**Tony** published a new photo on his profile.

**Loki** likes it.

**Tony:** Gosh, I do look good in a suit, don't I?

**Loki:** Do not flatter yourself to much, human. You look acceptable.

**Tony:** You should see me in my birthday suit.

**Loki:** Something you wear on special occasions, I presume?

**Natasha:** On the contrary.

**Loki:** You wouldn't impress me with something ordinary, know you not?

**Tony:** Oh believe me, it is nothing near ordinary. Natasha is just jealous.

**Natasha:** Of what? Getting an STD?

**Tony:** Forgotten you don't sleep with men you spy on. Oh wait.

**Bruce:** You know what, this is heading to something really nasty, an so it has to stop. Right now. Tony, apologize to Tasha.

**Tony:** I am sorry, I spoke about your occupation in such an undesired way.

**Bruce:** Tasha.

**Natasha:** I'm sorry that you're such a whore sometimes.

**Bruce:** I think it makes thing even between the two of you. Lets rest for now, shall we?

* * *

Tony received a private message from Loki.

**Loki:** _I demand you show me what a birthday suit is._

Loki received a private message from Tony.

**Tony:** _You might have to ask nicely for that one, ice pop. Really nicely._

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I hope you still like it, tell me what you think, please :)


	7. Just a prank

**A/N: **I would like to start this one with great thank you to all of you, who have chosen to follow my story, add it to favourites and, most of all, review it. You are so supportive, and your reviews keep me motivated. Sorry for the long wait, I had a lot of important work to do, that just couldn't wait. Please continue reading, and reviewing ! Thor bless you.

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**Tony:** So, admit it, you do agree I look good in a suit.

**Clint:** Just cut the crap. Where is my bow?

**Tony:** I wouldn't touch your bow. It's too rustic for my liking.

**Clint:** I know you took it, stop acting like you didn't. You won't maneuver yourself out of it this time.

**Tony:** Even though I'm clever, genius to be precise, witty and fuck it, don't I look gorgeous in a suit?

**Clint:** God dammit Stark, where is my bow?

**Tony:** Interesting choice of words. 'God dammit'. Not implying anything.

**Loki:** Well played Stark. It took you just five minutes to reveal my crafty plan. You disgust me.

**Natasha:** Oh, so now you two are plotting together? Great. Mayhem is coming.

**Tony:** Oh, come on Loki, don't be such a diva. It's not like he's going to find his arrows anyway.

**Clint:** Really, how old are you?

**Tony:** Tasha and Clint are sitting in a tree: K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a baby carriage! That's not it! That's not all! Baby took his fathers bow!

**Natasha:** And I took an arrow to the knee with that one. Love is for children.

**Clint:** …

**Loki:** I'm actually quite amused.

**Tony**: So. Don't I look sexy in a suit?

* * *

**Tony** received 2,956 new messages.

**Tony:** Ok, that was unexpected.

**Natasha**: What, you offered to sell your chastity on eBay?

**Tony:** I try to sell Steves. I get a lot of offers daily, especially after I threw some new photos there…But, getting to the subject, actually, this isn't funny. 'Tony, this is John writing. Let me help you with mechanics. You can put your screw in my nut'. Fuck you John. Or maybe better not. 'Always believed such a gorgeous man like you, wouldn't just give himself to a woman. I love you in that suit. Greg'. J.A.R.V.I.S., report, now!

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Right away, sir. Sir, it seems that somebody has created an unauthorized Facebook account, claiming to be you, and choosing, from now on, to have sexual intercourse with men only.

**Tony:** Who exactly?

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Clint Barton, sir. I would strongly recommend deleting the account, sir. And erasing the fan art and fanfiction from the internet, sir.

**Tony:** Clint, you're officially done. Wait patiently for my revenge. J.A.R.V.I.S., since I seem to have a new gay profile on the net, please create a new note on it, for me. 'My reputation given, I had also come to a conclusion that I should sleep with Gods, and Gods only. Anyone below that, please stop sending messages, or else'. Yep, that should narrow it.

**Loki:** Have I been spoken of?

**Tony:** Mentioned maybe.

**Loki:** Be careful what you wish for, Stark.

**Tony:** Afraid you might like it?

**Tony** got a private message from** Loki**.

**Loki:** _You do look appealing in that suit of yours._

**Loki** got a private message from **Tony**.

**Tony:**_ I know._

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__So let me know if you like where the story is going :)


	8. Drunk or blame it on the Netherlands

**A/N:** Thank you once again for all wonderful reviews, they really keep me going, believe me! Hope you like it !

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**Tony:** Hey guys, too bad you ain't here, this party is going craaazy!

**Pepper Potts:** Anthony Stark, you we're meant to attend to the meeting concerning the matters of Kavasaki merger, two hours ago! Our associates are still waiting in the conference room!

**Tony:** I don't want the merger, cancel it, meeting is considered over. That was quick, wasn't it?

**Clint:** And you know a thing or two about being 'quick', don't you?

**Tony:** Go suck my Stark Tower, Clint, really.

**Pepper Potts:** You can't just say you don't want it, Tony. And why aren't you even here? Where are you? I will regret asking that question, won't I?

**Tony:** Answering your questions in order of relevance: you will, so I'm not answering that, because meetings are boring, and I can. I just did.

**Pepper Potts:** You're giving me a headache.

**Tony:** I know a thing that would help for a headache.

**Pepper Potts:** I don't want your thing.

**Tony:** I don't like your headache.

**Pepper Potts:** Are you apologizing?

**Tony:** I obviously am nearly apologizing.

**Pepper Potts:** Are you drunk?

**Tony:** Not that much.

**Pepper Potts:** How much is 'not that much'? Is it 'I'm going to regret sleeping with that woman not that much' or 'I peed myself in the suit not that much'?

**Tony:** It's fine, MC Hammer's with me. However, when I told him to buy some coke, I thought he would get some coca-cola with vodka. And I was thinking I overpaid for a drink.

**Pepper Potts:** Thor, where are you?

**Thor:** I have no idea, Lady Potts. Worry not, I will watch over the Starkson.

**Tony:** Now, that is some great stuff.

**Pepper Potts:** Tony, don't you dare.

**Tony:** My God, I haven't done that since college! Oh wait, I was 14 back then. So I guess I might have done it after college. Once or twice. In the Netherlands? Have I been to the Netherlands? Hey, that gives me this brilliant idea! Fuck, now I remember the Netherlands. Thor, never go to the Netherlands. Like ever. Neeveerrrr… What's with that scepter anyways, I bet he doesn't compensate for anything…

**Thor:** Starkson is calling for Jarvis, Lady Potts. I do not see a man named so, in here.

**Pepper Potts:** Tony, stop shouting, J.A.R.V.I.S. can't hear you, you're not wearing your suit.

**Tony:** God bless you woman, for a moment I thought it was broken! What a relief! I'm feeling sick. Did you see that Pepper? Wow, that was so cool.

**Pepper Potts:** Thor, please, could you try and bring him home? Immediately?

**Thor:** As you wish, lady Potts.

**Tony:** Wooow.

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_The next morning._

**Pepper Potts:** J.A.R.V.I.S., how is he doing?

**J.A.R.V.I.S.** **shared a new picture.**

**Pepper Potts:** Oh my God Tony, you look awful! Are you mad? What were you thinking?

**Clint:** You look like shit man, really. Not kidding.

**J.A.R.V.I.S. :** Mister Tony is still in bed, Ms. Potts. He was carried home this morning by Mister Laufeyson.

**Pepper Potts:** Loki? Thor told me he carried him home last night, around 2 a.m. ?

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** That is correct. Mister Tony tried to go out again on his own, but fell off the staircase. Then he tried to reach Mr. Kavasaki to tell him to stick his merger, let me quote, in his ass, and fuck himself with his shares, after he pulls…

**Pepper Potts:** Tell me you did not let him.

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Although my intelligence is limited by the will of my creator, I wish you expected more of me, Ms. Potts.

**Pepper Potts:** Excuse me J.A.R.V.I.S., I've forgotten you're his artificial conscience. Would you be so kind to tell me how on Earth did he end up with Loki?

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** Mister Tony bought Mister Laufeyson a gift, and persisted on delivering it in person. I believe that Mister Laufeyson brought Mister Tony home, after receiving it.

**Pepper Potts:** And what was the gift exactly?

**J.A.R.V.I.S.:** I am not authorized to tell, Ms. Potts.

**Pepper Potts:** Loki, I know you can read this. Explain, please.

**Loki:** Oh, I see Anthony haven't composed himself yet. That was to be expected.

**Pepper Potts:** You call him Anthony now?

**Loki:** He insisted.

**Natasha:** What did he got you?

**Clint:** We're all dying to know.

**Loki:** That is none of your concern, mortals. A gift I received is only a matter between me, and the one who have chosen to acknowledge his inferiority and worship his God.

**Bruce:** Puny God.

**Loki:** You dumb creatures would never understand.

**Natasha:** Oh shit, you actually like what he got you.

**Loki:** As I told you, you are not worthy to hear about…

**Tony:** I bought him a leather whip. I am going to rot in hell for that one. I was drugged. But still proud of it. Proud of the whip, not the drugs. Wanna see a picture?

**Clint:** You know what, I may need something stronger. Tasha, the Drunken Clam pub?

**Pepper Potts:** Coming with you.

**Bruce:** I'm buying.

**Tony:** It was only a drunken joke, guys! Guys? Blame the sin, not the sinner? Stupid Netherlands.

**Loki:** You will kneel before me, Anthony, sooner or later.

**Tony:** I was born catholic, Reindeer Games. Kneeling doesn't repulse me.

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**Ok, this took me some time, I'm trying hard to stay in character and develop the plot. Thank you once again for reading, I love that you're coming back to the story, and that you're reviewing. More Tony/Loki in the next chapters, I promise. I don't want to keep you waiting!**


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